Shame is one of those quiet, powerful emotions that can deeply affect how we see ourselves, especially for high-achieving women and professionals. It’s that internal voice whispering (or sometimes shouting), “You’re not good enough,” often triggered by a moment, a memory, or even just a passing thought. And when we’re driven by perfectionism, people-pleasing, or a need to prove our worth, shame can become a familiar—if uninvited—companion.
Photo by K. Mitch Hodge on Unsplash
What Is Shame, Really?
At its core, shame is a painful feeling tied not to what we’ve done, but to who we believe we are. It’s different from guilt, which is more about our actions (“I made a mistake”). Shame says, “I am the mistake.”
It often sounds like:
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“I should’ve known better.”
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“Why can’t I get it together?”
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“I’m not as capable/kind/patient as I should be.”
And even if no one else is judging us, we’re usually doing a thorough job of judging ourselves.
Where Does Shame Come From?
Shame often traces back to old wounds. Sometimes it comes from our childhood—messages we absorbed (even unintentionally) from caregivers or culture about who we’re supposed to be.
Let’s say you were naturally energetic, outgoing, and full of life—but grew up in an environment that valued calmness, quiet, and compliance. You might’ve learned early on that who you are isn’t quite “right.” Even as an adult, you might feel inexplicably uncomfortable speaking up in meetings or taking up space at social events, even though it’s in your nature.
Shame can also stem from trauma, including situations where we were the victim. It’s common to carry guilt or shame after painful experiences, even when we’ve done nothing wrong. That’s the twisted logic of shame—it doesn’t always make sense, but it still sticks.
What’s the Intention Behind Shame?
This might sound strange, but shame often has a hidden, positive intention. Deep down, we want to be good. To be kind. To do the right thing. Shame is like a malfunctioning internal alarm trying to get our attention—but instead of guiding us gently, it berates us harshly.
So what do we do with that?
Photo by Eugene Golovesov on Unsplash
The Antidote to Shame: Self-Compassion
When we experience shame, the most healing response isn’t to argue with it or push it down. Instead, we can meet it with self-compassion.
Compassion is made up of two parts:
1. Empathy – recognizing and acknowledging our pain.
2. The desire to alleviate suffering – offering ourselves kindness and care.
Here’s how you can begin to practice self-compassion in the face of shame:
Step 1: Name the Shame
Awareness is the first step. Simply noticing—“Oh, I’m feeling shame right now”—can be incredibly powerful. Give it a name. Acknowledge that it’s here.
This isn’t about wallowing. It’s about witnessing the pain so we can respond, rather than react.
Step 2: Acknowledge the Pain
Shame is painful. Period. Let yourself feel that truth without judgment.
So often, we try to outrun discomfort with busyness, overworking, or self-criticism. But when we pause to gently say, “This hurts. I’m hurting right now,” we take the first step toward healing.
Step 3: Offer Kindness to Yourself
Here’s where you gently shift the inner dialogue. Ask yourself: What would I say to a friend feeling this way?
You might try phrases like:
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“I’m trying to be kind to myself right now.”
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“I know I’m doing my best, even if it doesn’t feel like it.”
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“I value being a good person, and I’m learning.”
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“It’s okay to be human. I don’t have to be perfect.”
Be careful not to jump to affirmations that feel too far from where you are. If saying, “I am a good person,” doesn’t land, try softer language: “I’m trying to be a good person.” Meet yourself where you are—not where you think you should be.
Sometimes we resist self-kindness because it feels unearned. But remember: self-compassion isn’t about letting yourself off the hook—it’s about tending to the wound so you can move forward with integrity and grace.
What to Remember When Shame Hits
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Shame is a signal, not a sentence. It often comes from a place of wanting to be good—but it’s not the most helpful guide.
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The antidote to shame isn’t punishment—it’s care.
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Self-compassion is not weakness. For driven professionals, it’s one of the bravest things you can practice. It allows you to grow without the crushing pressure of perfectionism.
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You don’t have to believe every thought your inner critic offers. You can choose to speak to yourself differently.
As you begin to notice your shame spirals and tend to them with compassion, you’ll likely find more peace, resilience, and clarity—especially in your work, relationships, and personal growth.
Be gentle with yourself. You’re doing the best you can with what you’ve been given—and that is enough.
Until next time,
Dr. Kit Sluys